I couldn’t make this up

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I got this message from a 72 year old guy on Match:

“Would you like to have a friend from Raleigh only? I like to meet a younger lady for lunch,dinner,traveling,beaches and some one that loves to be spoiled? Ron”

Now I don’t mind older men, but I really don’t think I can handle someone in their 70’s.  And honestly I don’t need anyone to take me out and spend money on me.  I have my own money.

But then just for giggles I go read his profile, and this is exactly what it says:

“I have lived in Raleigh all of my born days. I love the outdoors such as cooking out(pig pickings) on the grill rain or shine. Every spring I have a little garden with fresh veg(tomatoes,corn,cabbage,lots of beans). I love to go to the beach for the day or week. I love to walk most days. Some one that likes to be pampered. I love to meet a lady that loves to travel and be spoiled a lot. IS THERE ANY INTERIOR DECORATIONS ON THIS LINE? I NEED ONE. ”

I don’t think I’d make a very good INTERIOR DECORATION.  And why is he yelling about that?  Did the last group of guests he had over for a pig pickin’, bean eating party complain about the decor?  One has to wonder.

The Witch’s Tips for Gentlemen Using Match.com

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Having been back on Match.com for just about two weeks. I have already started publishing my list of things men should not do when creating their profiles.  Here’s what I’ve come up with so far, see what you think:

  1. I do not care to see your ex girlfriend.  Cut that bitch out of the picture before you post it.
  2. Please have someone critique your photos before posting.  The serial killer/pedophile look is definitely out of fashion these days, Dahmer.
  3. Speling and gramor are very impotant.
  4. If the picture wasn’t made in the last two years, don’t post it.
  5. “hey girl” is not a complete sentence nor is it a complete and well-thought out e-mail to send me the first time you contact me, Mark Twain.
  6. If you don’t see anything wrong with #3 above, go fuck yourself (because I surely won’t).
  7. I do not need a sugar daddy, but especially one that looks remarkably like Uncle Fester.
  8. Get a damned real haircut.  Geezus, have some pride.
  9. No, you cannot have my number so we can text.  W(hat’s the matter, are you afraid the wife is going to catch you playing on Match using the family computer in the living room?)
  10. No, we cannot “meat and roll.”  I have no interest in your meat, and, you’re not getting anywhere near my roll.
  11. I don’t want to be mean, but if your kids look like they ride to school on the short bus.  I’d leave them out of my profile pics if I were you.
  12. Before you demand perfection you should offer it in return.  Trust me, you do not.
  13. If you seriously make $25,001-$35,000 a year, I’d let that be my special secret.
  14. A good dental plan and maybe a few Crest Whitestrips might work to your advantage.
  15. Keep your damn shirt on.  I know you hope to see my tits, but that doesn’t mean I am excited to see your’s.   Man boobs and hairy pits just don’t do a thing for me.